How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

- Anonymous

Follows Diet. Diet doesn’t Follow back. Unfollows diet

- Anonymous

Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here

- Anonymous

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

- Barbara Johnson

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded

- Terry Pratchett

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just beyond your understanding.

- Anonymous

Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.

- Anonymous

I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.

- Anonymous

You sound better with your mouth closed.

- Anonymous

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

- Anonymous

Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.

- Anonymous

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

- Benjamin Franklin

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

- Stephen Hawking

Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either

- Anonymous

I Saw Two Guys Wearing Matching Outfits and Asked If They Were Gay? They Arrested Me

- Anonymous

For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles

- Anonymous

When nothing is going right, go left.

- Anonymous

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

- Billy Connolly

4 out 3 people struggle with math

- Anonymous

I've got a sense of humor. I'm a funny guy.

- Daryl Hall